Hero Syndrome

So here I am, on Skype with a few others, and I go silent. I'm silent and I don't even know why.

Hero syndrome, or complex, as defined by wikipedia (not the most reliable of sources on the internet, I'll give you that) "is an inherent desire to help others. It is a compulsion to help make their world right."

I'll probably leave parts out of this 'definition', but in doing that does it mean I don't have it? I think I do, even though I've never had any professional advice on this subject.

I'd love to get professional advice on things, even just a general psychologist with the black leather duvan (I think it's called that), the clipboard and him nodding and hming. Even if it does nothing for me; even it comes up with nothing that I ever need to change about my person; but just for that little bit of reassurance that my life is in the hands of a professional and that, no matter what crazy thoughts I have, no matter how insane I think I am, or schizophrenic, or just depressed, everything is being handled and analysed with at least an expert's mind behind it.

I've slightly listed lazily to the left here: avoiding what I actually set out to write about. Myself and my fear of having a fear of never being recognised for anything great. I mean, it seems really selfish when I'm thinking about it. Because at the end of the day only the most famous, maybe even insane, people are eternally recognised and remembered.

I've not done anything special. I've never even reached a dream I wanted to achieve (not that I ever have a set out one; more like a vague, semi-remembered list of things), I doubt I ever really will: my motivation to achieve even my own goals is rather low. Perhaps it's this life: this life that has so many dangers around every turn. A life that means possible poverty and debt for years and years to come for just wanting to be schooled. A life that, in all honestly, really isn't that good. Sure I have friends, close ones. I love them. All 3 of them. And I like to think, that I've changed their lives, at the very least a tiny little bit. But even that doesn't seem to compare to what I don't even know I want to achieve.

I help people whenever I can, I let a woman stand in front of me in the shop today, even though she had much more. I keep doors open for people who then have to run to not feel bad for leaving me wait. I take jobs that, perhaps I don't like, just because it makes it easier for the other person. I guess that could just be courtesy, common decency and those gentleman-type of actions that are hardly seen in this day and age.

I don't even know how to finish. I don't even know if I am even finished. I will for now, because if I don't I can continue for days, into the new day and next probably.

I blame this Blue WKD.